Have you secretly been holding conversations with yourself and God about how to break free from a rigid role or position that seems to be quenching your spirit, gifts, and talents in your home, ministry, or workplace? Perhaps you have risked sharing some thoughts with a trusted friend about your grief and frustration but have not ventured into a direct conversation with your spouse, parent, employer, or ministry partner. Throughout our lives, we will be presented with opportunities to grow in our capacity to have difficult conversations that can improve our relationships and even the quality of our lives. They can be extremely difficult and painful but can also become catalysts for healing and maturity.
Roommates offer opportunities to learn the art of having those hard conversations if you are willing to take the risk of negotiating the division of labor and styles of cleaning and organizing a house that is acceptable to all parties.
If you are a married woman, did you know there are actually men out there who desire to someday be a stay-at-home dad, or at least have a robust role in childrearing? Some husbands have even secretly dreamed of giving their role as primary wage earner over to their wives.
If you are a husband, you may not realize that even though your wife has enjoyed child-rearing and home-making, God may have put a secret desire in her heart to go back to school or pursue a career outside the home. She may want more help from you with child care and home-making so she can fulfill this calling from the Lord.
Many couples marry and assume that their role as a husband or a wife will be similar to what they experienced in their family of origin or what they saw modeled in their church community. Some men and women have not considered that there are creative and biblical alternatives to the roles that they grew up with and though different, can still honor God and be edifying to one another. The “We Principle” of our Triune God was declared in Genesis 1:26-27 when God said, “Let Us make human beings in our image” and became the foundation of mutually satisfying and creative partnerships.
If you are serving as a volunteer or employee in a church, perhaps you have been placed in a role that does not suit your gifts and talents and is slowly draining you of energy and fueling some resentment. If you find yourself wanting to quit your job, it may be time to pray about having a hard conversation. Before engaging your spouse, friend, ministry partner, or employer in a difficult but important conversation, here are a few tips to consider:
Instead of waiting until you are at the end of your patience to approach this person, begin preparing ahead of time. As soon as you notice sadness, anxiety, or frustration, pray about whether it would be wise to have a conversation with that person about your concerns. If so, ask God to search your heart and give you wisdom and insight as you prepare. Consider the following questions:
What is the purpose of this conversation?
What end result am I hoping for?
What kind of attitude will I bring to the conversation?
Is my mind already made up on what the solution must be?
Do I have questions that I genuinely want to ask this person, or do I simply want to vent my frustrations?
Am I coming to the conversation with the intent to change this person’s mind or find a suitable win-win solution that honors both parties?
Am I prepared to accept where this person is at on the topic at this time?
How will I demonstrate respect for the opinion if it is the opposite of my own view?
Am I coming to this person with the hope or expectation that they will validate my view, or can I validate my own view and demonstrate respect for a differing view?
How will I support myself if I learn that this person becomes angry, dismisses my views, and refuses to consider any alternative solutions to my concerns?
Once you have decided it is necessary to have this difficult conversation, be sure you have a trusted and confidential person who can support you with prayer and processing when needed. Pray that God would soften your heart and that of the person with whom you will be talking. Even though things may not go as well as you hoped, you have planted a seed for thought. Many people need time to chew on new kinds of information and will come back later with additional thoughts and ideas that might improve the situation.
When you believe the time is right, invite this person to have a conversation with you about the topic. Remember, it is absolutely worth inviting a person into this conversation even if the outcome is not what you hoped for. Why? Because your voice matters to both our Lord and to your personhood and your sense of worth and value. Many people tell me that a discussion about a potentially heated topic is not worth bringing up because it will not end well. This may be true, especially if the invitation for communication has repeatedly been made in a kind and honest way. In many marriages and relationships, however, a hard topic of conversation is broached most often in hurt and anger or not at all.
Hope and pray for the best outcome but prepare for the worst. For example, in a case where the invited person immediately resists any type of meeting for this conversation, it will be important to respectfully but firmly state something like, “It would mean a great deal to me if we could talk about this sometime soon. The topic is important to me and I believe that avoiding it will put distance between us and become even more problematic.I know it may cause some tension and conflict, but you are important enough for me to risk that, even if we end up in complete disagreement. When can we put a date on the calendar?”
If this is an ongoing personal struggle with a friend or family member and the person continues to dodge the conversation or meeting times, you may need to make an appointment for yourself with a professional counselor to get the tools needed to work through a difficult impasse. The person may or may not choose to join you in counseling but your willingness to go alone will benefit you greatly as you work through the pain and disappointment inherent to the situation.
Remember, Jesus did not avoid hard conversations nor those that He knew would end poorly. His invitation was extended over and over, though He knew both the positive and negative thoughts, feelings, and intentions of those with whom He spoke. His willingness to engage in debate with others about important personal and kingdom matters strengthened His person, position, and power as Messiah. He did not become the powerless victim of fear or open conflict. He understood the importance of having a voice but was also willing and able to protect Himself when He perceived threats. He decided when the time was right for laying down His life as a sacrifice for humanity.
Finally, give yourself a lot of credit for taking the risk of having your unique voice on the subject and keep your heart tender and willing to extend this invitation again in the future, as God leads. You may be surprised at how God works through the gentleness of an invitation, even if it ends in the turbulence of a sharp disagreement.
"Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." -- Proverbs 27:5-6
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